home on the range

My Little People

2009-07-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

They are not babies anymore. Or even toddlers. They are grade-schoolers. He is in his last few weeks of preschool and she just completed kindergarten. They will both be at the same school next year. I am in shock. It feels like I turned around and I have little people living in my house. She is addicted to Nintendo DS. He loves animals and anything dinosaur. They are funny, cleaver and the best of friends. At the mall the other day she grabbed him on the escalator, hugged him and said, "I just love you so much." His reply? "Are you glad you have a brother?" Her response, "I'm glad I have one as cute as you." They still fight,... a lot. But, the moments of tendernss and caring for each other are more frequent and intense than when they were tots.

I haven't been working much this summer. Instead of being bummed about that, I am embracing the opportunities to swim with them, play video games with them, beach with them, chill with them, laugh with them.

My 2009 Wish List

2009-01-22T21:58:00.000-08:00

I hate breaking any tradition. So, I am forced to jot down my wish list for 2009. Hmmm. That's tough. The only things that came to pass from last years list were: I did get new sneakers, my show L.A. WOMEN did play to great houses, and I got a commercial agent. My list of desires keeps getting smaller, too. Here is all I can come up with:

1. Enjoy the little moments of my kids growing up.

2. Catch more sunsets.

3. Learn more about wine.

4. More dates with my husband.

5. Keep challenging myself as a photographer.

And that my friends, is really it. I don't feel like I need any more stuff. In fact, I could add to this short list that I want to get rid of stuff. Because, what I really want is more space. More living space, more space to create and love and work. Maybe it's the Obama syndrome, but I just want to be a better person... in general. Oh, and I do want to post more blogs on this here site.

Peace

I have reached a man in Florida

2008-04-30T22:55:00.000-07:00

So, I appeared in a commercial for Oust Deodorizing Candles last year. After nearly 30 years of auditioning (I started as a wee child) I finally landed a national spot. Not only that, but I was the "spokesperson." It was a 30 second spot, all me, in my kitchen, completely improvised. It ran for 6 months, paid me lots of money and enabled me to qualify for SAG health insurance for my entire family for 18 months. JACKPOT! Tonight, while browsing the internet looking for a this commercial online (to post to my website) a ran across a fellow blogger, who had blogged about... me! A man I never met. A single Dad from Florida, according to his profile, who works in web design and loves to organize stuff. Here is his "review" of my little commercial:

Oust commercial

I just saw a commercial for "oust" candles. The woman is in the kitchen cooking and complains that the odor from cooking fills the house and creeps into the kids rooms. So, she uses the oust candles to absorbe the odor from her cooking. If I could make a suggestion, maybe she doesn't need candles as much as cooking lessons. If your cooking smells so bad that you have to mask the odor with candles, maybe you should go out to eat. Seriously, I guess these kids never walk in and say, "Mmmm, what are you cooking". Instead they are saying, "Oh God, Mom, you need more candles. I'm going to a friends house for dinner".

Very, very funny. I love that I was able to rile up total stranger on the other side of the country. I hope I get the opportunity to do it again.

What I want in 2008

2008-01-21T15:38:00.000-08:00

Okay, I feel like I need to make a list of everything I would like to achieve in 2008. Making a list in 2007 and posting it for all to see may have helped to manifest the things I wanted. So, here goes... practical, impractical, outrageous and simple, in no particular order...

1. More photography clients. Especially wedding clients.

2. My children to attend private school.

3. A romantic getaway with my husband.

4. Another exhibition of my work.

5. A commercial agent.

6. A 3 bedroom, 2 bath house with a great yard in Valley Village/Studio City

7. A flatscreen TV with Tivo in my bedroom.

8. Someone to clean my house twice a month.

9. A grand 40th birthday party. That's right, I am turning 40! Arghh....

10. Get my scripts produced on an internet network.

11. Mount my second installment of LA WOMEN to packed houses.

12. Get new sneakers.

13. Organize my office.

14. Save more money.

15. Snuggle more with my husband.

16. Do yoga once a week.

17. Get my husband a new car - a Hybrid.

18. Hang more of my prints in my home.

19. Clean out the garage.

20. Laugh more.

Okay, that is a much shorter list than last year. The truth is, I am so much happier now than I was then. I really feel blessed with what I do have, and it feels greedy to even make this list. My children are healthy and happy, smart and funny. My husband and I have more time for each other, I am working on several creative projects that I am very proud of, I have amazing friends that constantly surprise me with their unconditional love and support, we are financially stable, traveling quite a lot. Still, it's fun to dream and see what the universe has in store for me.

What I got in 2007

2007-12-30T18:29:00.000-08:00

So, I wrote a list of what I wanted in '07 about this time last year. I got real busy. My business took off. My kids got older... a lot older. I had a great year. Didn't blog about it. Sad. I am hoping to get back into that in '08. But I am getting ahead of myself. Here is what I wanted last year. Let's see how I did.

Realistic and unrealistic. Here is my uncensored list of what I want in 2007 in no particular order:

1. New work out shoes
YES - BUT NOW I ALREADY NEED A NEW PAIR.
2. Nice coat
NO - BUT I GOT A FEW FABULOUS SWEATERS.
3. One day to myself each week
YES - AND THEN SOME. THE KIDS ARE BOTH IN PRESCHOOL UNTIL 3PM, EVERYDAY.
4. A house in Sherman Oaks
NO - THE MARKET IS TOO SHITY.
5. A Dyson vacuum cleaner
NO - BUT I GOT A CHEAPER VERSION OF IT THAT I LOVE
6. Half a day at Burke Williams
NO - BUT I HAVE A MASSAGE THERAPIST FRIEND WHO COMES TO MY HOUSE EVERY FEW MONTHS AND WORKS OUT MY KINKS
7. Regular dates with my husband
YES - WE HAVE MADE LOTS MORE TIME FOR EACH OTHER
8. A new wardrobe
YES - GOT LOTS OF NEW PIECES AND DONATED SEVERAL BAGS OF MY OLD STUFF
9. New bedroom furniture
NO - BUT MY SISTER DID GIVE ME HER OLD DRESSER
10. A gallery show of my photography
YES!!! AND I SOLD 5 OF 7 PRINTS ON EXHIBITION
11. A light kit
YES - THANK YOU EBAY
12. A flash with bounce and long range capability
YES - A NIKON
13. New camera lenses
YES - I HAVE A FIXED PORTRAIT LENS AND A WIDE ANGLE FISH EYE TO ADD TO MY CAMERA BAG.
14. The latest point and shoot Nikon
YES
15. My 2 person show mounted
YES - IT WAS A HUGE HIT AND I AM IN THE PROCESS OF WRITING THE SEQUEL.
16. To lose 6 pounds
NO - IN FACT, I THINK I GAINED A FEW MORE. WHOOPS.
17. My kids to continue preschool at VBS
YES - THEY ARE VERY HAPPY THERE
18. To get a commercial agent
NO - BUT HERE IS THE FUNNY PART... I DID GET A NATIONAL COMMERCIAL THAT RAN FOR 3 MONTHS.
19. Book more photo clients a month
YES - BUSINESS HAS BEEN STEADY AND I HAVE ADDED WEDDINGS TO MY PORTFOLIO.
20. Have a weekend getaway with my husband and without the kids
NO - STILL WORKING ON THAT ONE.
21. To put more money in savings/investments
YES - BIG IMPROVEMENTS IN THAT AREA.
22. To eat healthier meals
YES AND NO
23. To redo my kids rooms
I AM IN THE PROCESS OF DOING THAT NOW.
24. Mount lots of my photos and display them in the house
YES - BUT NEED TO PUT LOTS MORE UP.
25. To get back to yoga clasS.
NO - I STILL REALLY WANT THAT.
26. To have my family spend more time with my kids
HMMM. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT HAS IMPROVED MUCH.
27. To be a better friend
YES - I AM HAPPY TO SAY THAT I HAVE BETTER FRIENDSHIPS.
28. To keep my house clean
OH, HELL NO.
29. A new computer
YES - I HAVE THE NEW IMAC.
30. A flat screen TV in the livingroom.
NO - THAT WOULD STILL BE NICE
31. See more movies
YES - I FEW MORE. THANKS TO MY SISTER AND HER ACADEMY SCREENERS I HAVE BEEN CATCHING UP ON EVERYTHING WORTH SEEING IN 2007.
32. Have dates with my camera and find interesting things to shoot
YES - BUT THERE COULD ALWAYS BE MORE OF THESE!
33. See my husband in a play
NO - I AM STILL HOPEFUL THAT WILL HAPPEN SOON. HE IS TOO TALENTED FOR IT NOT TO.
34. Laugh with my kids more
YES - THEY ARE FUNNY LITTLE BUGGERS.
35. Get and stay organized
YES - STILL ROOM FOR MORE IMPROVEMENT IN THIS AREA.
36. Toss out everything I don't need
YES - I HAVE DONE VERY WELL WITH THIS ONE.

who they are

2007-02-05T16:37:00.000-08:00

Here they are. My two kids. This is who they are these days. My daughter loves to be a princess and has a princes costume for Cinderella, Belle, Ariel, Snow White and Aurora (Sleeping Beauty). She also has a white Flower Girl dress that she calls her "Bride Costume." Her Auntie works for Disney. She sings and dances... Suggestively. She doesn't do this consciously, of course. She just loves to use her hips and roll her shoulders. Her favorite song right now? Gwen Stephani's "Wind it Up."

Her Brother loves Dinosaurs and Diego. He is pictured here clutching all the Dora the Explorer and Diego figurines. He sleeps in Dinosaur sheets with all manor of Dinos in his bed. Small figurines, a T-Rex Puppet, a large rubber one and a couple light up swishy ones he got from Aunt Idie. His favorite show? DIEGO AND THE DINOSAURS. It has his two favorite things in one glorious hour of programming. He also likes to run, jump off of stuff, talk things and snuggle. He is a great snuggler. He says, "One minute of snuggle?" a few times a day when he wants my attention. How can I say no to that.

They have just started playing well with each other. She tolerates his obsession with prehistoric creatures and he sits through BARBIE AND THE 12 DANCING PRINCESSES on the drive to preschool. They hug each other as much as they punch each other. I have even heard them tell the other how much they love them. That makes my heart swell in a way that nothing else on earth can.

What I want in 2007

2006-12-23T10:42:00.000-08:00

Realistic and unrealistic. Here is my uncensored list of what I want in 2007 in no particular order:

1. New work out shoes
2. Nice coat
3. One day to myself each week
4. A house in Sherman Oaks
5. A Dyson vacuum cleaner
6. Half a day at Burke Williams
7. Regular dates with my husband
8. A new wardrobe
9. New bedroom furniture
10. A gallery show of my photography
11. A light kit
12. A flash with bounce and long range capability
13. New camera lenses
14. The latest point and shoot Nikon
15. My 2 person show mounted
16. To lose 6 pounds
17. My kids to continue preschool at VBS
18. To get a commercial agent
19. Book more photo clients a month
20. Have a weekend getaway with my husband and without the kids
21. To put more money in savings/investments
22. To eat healthier meals
23. To redo my kids rooms
24. Mount lots of my photos and display them in the house
25. To get back to yoga class
26. To have my family spend more time with my kids
27. To be a better friend
28. To keep my house clean
29. A new computer
30. A flat screen TV in the livingroom.
31. See more movies
32. Have dates with my camera and find interesting things to shoot
33. See my husband in a play
34. Laugh with my kids more
35. Get and stay organized
36. Toss out everything I don't need

Here I am

2006-06-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

This is a photo I took for an assignment to capture a discovery. This is real, not a set-up. She really missed Elmo once the head came off... even though it was Daddy inside.

I am back! Okay, I never went anywhere. I just got incredibly busy. This "mostly stay at home Mom" has become a "mostly work at home Mom." Not that taking care of kids isn't work, but I now have my own business in addition to taking care of the kids. It is a whole new level of crazy. I have my "office" in my room and have to sneak in my daily hours during my son's afternoon naps, and after the house is cleaned up and the kids in bed for the night. I no longer have me time. It has become, OH MY GOD, I HAVE TO MEET THIS DEADLINE time. My work has also brought me back to a semblance of who I was before kids: artistic, driven, financially productive. Most of you know what my business is, but for those of you who may not, it is photography. I do headshots, family portraits, birthday parties and fine art. I am also enrolled in an art school near me. It has been wonderful going back to school. I remembered how much I loved going to college. Not just learning new things, but the sense of accomplishment you feel when you do something well. I got 100% on my first photo assignment. I am living proof that if you want something bad enough you can absolutely make it happen.

My kids are little people now. My son has an amazing vocabulary for a 19 month old and my daughter has become quite a little lady. I hope to write with more regularity and share some of the adventures I am having with them. So, until next time, thank you for checking back in with me and come again soon!

a quick note on the status of my kids

2006-03-10T09:32:00.000-08:00

a good cry between the laughter

So, my boy is back. For the most part. He is healthy, knock on wood. However, he still has frequent baby style tantrums. They are much louder than my daughter's were. Usually a change of scenery will snap him out of it. He has started to communicate and that has helped tremendously. His favorite and most frequently used word is "more" accompanied by the sign for more. He also says lots of animal sounds, ball, go, Mama, Dada and ni-ni (night-night).

My daughter is becoming quite the entertainer and artist. Always singing and dancing. When she isn't singing and dancing she is coloring. And when she isn't coloring she is glued to the television. She loves Disney films and anything claymation. The Corpse Bride is in heavy rotation. She makes me laugh, and she is good company.

A side note, the photo above was taken in the middle of a photo shoot. She sees me with clients and has started asking me to take photos of her. In the middle of our session she cried because she didn't want to take direction anymore. A moment later she got up and continued her posing. She is getting quite good. Okay, I better include a photo of the evidence.

Where did my boy go?

2006-02-23T08:55:00.000-08:00

He has been sick for over a week. And not even the worst kind of sick. Just your basic cold type thing. Coughing, runny nose, slight fever. But the boy is CRANKY! I don't even recognize this kid. He has been whining all day. ALL DAY. Not crying, just whining at a pitch that pounds the inside of your head until you want to put your fist into the wall. I try snuggling him, he wants no part of it. I try putting him down, he arches his back and screams. I try to feed him, he throws all his food on the floor. The only thing that calms him down for a few minutes is a frozen pedialyte pop. He pounds that thing like a high school football player at a Homecoming kegger. I will admit that yesterday was a bit better. He laughed a few times and ate half of one meal. And, he ate breakfast this morning. Ahh, maybe my son is on his way back to me. I sure have missed him.

how'm i doin'?

2006-02-10T22:39:00.000-08:00

first napride at the memorial park in a long while

I made a list back in June when I had only been blogging about a month. It was a list of things I things I woke up hoping to do every day, but never got around to doing. I compiled that list during the roughest stretch of motherhood (so far). I was up most of the night with my son, not eating well, alone with the kids most of the time. Now that over half a year has gone by since I wrote that list, I thought I would revisit it to see how I am doing now. Have I accomplished any of these goals I set for myself last summer? Let's see...

1. Read something other than an article in a Parenting magazine

I have read 2 books! David Sedaris' DRESS THEM IN CORDUROY AND DENIM (very funny!), and Maya Goldberg's WICKET'S REMEDY (very good and a little scary).

2. Make a nutritious meal for myself and eat it slowly

I am making better meals, but I still eat pretty fast. My new crockpot has contributed greatly to this one!

3. Shop for something pretty for myself

I have been throwing out lots of old, out of date clothing and collecting some cute things when I go out. Target has been good to me in this department. Oh, I just need to run in for some diapers and birthday cards... wait, this shirt is pretty cute, and it's only 15 bucks.

4. Scrub down the shower in my bathroom

I finally convinced my husband to hire someone to do this twice a month.

5. Convince my daughter to spend quality time on her potty

She goes all by herself now. I don't even have to remind her.

6. Call up a friend and see how they are doing

I have done that the past three nights in a row! And three different friends, too.

7. Take yoga class, or just stretch for a few minutes, or take a few cleansing breaths

I keep trying to get to class and have only taken one since June. Hmmm, number seven needs some more work.

8. Go to bed early

Nope. Not happening. I am sleeping better when I do fall asleep. The boy sleeps through the night and I don't wake up to pee as often.

9. Decorate my son's room so it looks more like a nursery and less like a red room with a crib in it

Slowly but surely, it is coming along. Just bought some new knobs for his dresser today. That should spruce things up in there.

10. Give my husband some good lovin'

Progress is being made here, too. I am sure he wouldn't mind if I kept working on this one.

So, I think I am doing pretty well. I have new things to complain about, but it is good to see that the things that I wanted several months ago have come to be. I can cross out most of these "to dos" off my list. Time to make a new one.

the highs and lows

2006-01-29T10:45:00.000-08:00

taken moments before he woke up
and vomited all over himself

That would be filed under lows. We were driving back from Cambria, a quaint town on the central coast, when he filled the car with a smell of rotten fruit salad. There was a nice police officer who pulled over to see what we were doing on the side of the freeway with a half naked toddler on the ground. He understood what was happening pretty quickly and got back in his car to supervise from a safe distance. Poor kid also developed pink eye that same day. And that morning I was in the hospital getting an adrenaline shot to stop hives from spreading over my entire body. Mark that up as a low.

We had driven up there to see the seals that beach themselves every year to give birth. We timed it out so we would get there to see plenty of babies. They were cute and the day was sunny and nice. The 20 minutes we spent on the oceanside viewing these huge creatures was awesome. That would be filed under high.

My daughter is out of pull-ups and goes to the bathroom to do her business without being prompted. I am still in awe of this transformation. Three years of changing her are over for good. We haven't had an accident in quite a while and she doesn't like going on the little potty anymore, just the big toilet with her Dora the Explorer seat on it. This is a high! Cleaning the little potty out after each use was kind of gross.

My son is still waking up around 5am every morning no matter what time I put him to bed. LOW! I think on daylight savings time is going to change this. He is on some crazy internal clock that makes him rise just before the sun.

And to end on a high note, my kids are damn entertaining these days. They both did a dancing show together last in their PJ's. Both twirling together and laughing. Seeing my son copy his sister was adorable. And it was the first time he actually twirled. I have got to charge my video camera!

i want it now

2006-01-25T10:29:00.000-08:00

one of my favorite photos from my first official photo session

I am staying positive. I am staying positive. I am staying positive.

I have had to repeat that mantra over and over since Monday. The photography class I was all set to start next month was full up when I went to register Monday afternoon. Closed. No waiting list. I can show up on the first day off class and beg and plead, but unless someone drops, I aint getting in. I have been having a lot of anxiety about this class over the last couple of weeks because it meets Fridays. All day Friday, for 4 months. Right now my husband isn't working on Fridays, but that could change at any moment. That would mean finding childcare. All day childcare. Someone to take my daughter to school a half hour away and then bring her back. Someone to take care of my son all day. I felt it my gut that something would keep me from being able to commit to this thing. I thought it might be the childcare issue. It never crossed my mind that I wouldn't even be able to get into the damn thing. And here I am with my very complex camera in hand and no one to show me all the cool things it can do.

I am staying positive. I am staying positive. I am staying positive.

Monday was a bad day. I was crushed. Defeated. My husband took charge and searched the web for other classes. And he found some. This Sunday I am going to a free Nikon Digital Camera workshop at the store that sold me mine. There is also a Photoshop class that is four weeks long I can sign up for runs every month. And that class is in the evening on a night that my husband is home. No childcare issue. This might even be better than the college course because it's not as big a time commitment. Then there is also a summer course at a private art school right near my house. It's a little pricey, but it also meets once a week during the evening and would give me college credits. I really want to do this one because I would like the challenge of weekly photo assignments and a diverse portfolio at the end of the semester.

I am staying positive. I am staying positive. I am staying positive.

So, although I had spoken to the teacher at the other school and planned on being enrolled for the spring semester, these other options seem more appealing. Maybe I wasn't ever meant to go to that school. It was just my first attempt to get the ball rolling and being shut out there may have led me to where I need to be. Once you find the thing you want to be doing with your life, you want that thing to start right now. I am staying positive, and being patient. All good things come to those who wait. And while I am waiting, I will continue to take photographs. Because that's what photographers do.

one of the first photos taken with my new camera

2006-01-15T20:45:00.000-08:00

It's a Nikon D200, just over 10 mega pixels.
I am in love. One month until my photography class starts. I shot headshots for my sister today. They were great. I am so excited to take on this new career. More photos to come, at a smaller download size!

the winds of change

2006-01-10T19:40:00.000-08:00

Ah yes, I feel them blowing. Softly, like a cool kisses on a warm cheek.

Change is the only thing you can rely on as a parent. Your children continue to grow. They continue to learn new words and skills. Their personalities are taking shape. Their appetite for life is insatiable. I find myself constantly trying to keep up with them. I learn and grow right along side them. Sometimes I am uncertain about who is the greater teacher. Is it me or them? I am more patient, generous and caring than I was before kids.

My son is walking quickly. I can't say running just yet, but that is right around the corner. My daughter is using her potty regularly with few accidents. She has also started to put on shows for us and family members. It usually consists of a dance of some kind with her in one of her many costumes. It is so cliche to say, "they grow up too fast," but I am amazed at how true that is. My daughter's face is changing from toddler to little girl. My son has all his front teeth and a little boy haircut. Gone is the baby with the mullet and the gummy smile.

Blow gentle wind, slowly, so I have a chance to let go.

stuff i swear i'll do this year

2005-12-31T14:12:00.000-08:00

I hate making New Year's Resolutions, because like most of you, I don't stick to them. I start out full of good intentions and then midway through February I have let them all go. I convince myself that I was unrealistic. Or that I didn't really want to do those things in the first place. This year is different. Seriously, it is! I have already gotten the ball rolling on some of this stuff. So, here is my list:

1. Take a digital photography course. I am preregistered for this one and start in February so I won't be backing out of this.

2. Get my daughter out of pull-ups and into panties. Oh wait, she did that herself during the holiday break! I guess I can cross that off my list and give myself extra points for having accomplished this before the New Year.

3. More dates with the husband. Our lovely sitter gets back in town in mid January and I plan to book her up ASAP. My sister has also vowed to assist me in this area.

4. Sleep more. Yes, he is sleeping through the night, however, our daughter now climbs into bed with us around 2am and sleeps with us until 7:00am. It's cute, but my sleep is still interrupted. I vow to correct this and get at least a couple nights a week of solid, deep, rejuvenate sleep.

5. Have Gratitude. As much as I complain, my life is pretty damn good. I have a gorgeous, healthy and happy family. I am starting a new career in photography. I have a home with all the "stuff" that so many others in the world aren't able to enjoy. When I get tired and cranky I am going to step back and count my blessings. Corny, I know, but it just might make for a better year.

he's sleeping through the night!

2005-12-14T10:34:00.000-08:00

""
enjoying his birthday cake

After a solid year of waking up and nursing my son back to sleep every two to three hours, I decided enough was enough. With gentle nagging from my husband I gave in and let him try his hand at "sleep training". I took my tempurpedic pillow and drove up the street to my sister's house. I knew if I was home I would not be able to let him cry for more than a few minutes. That night was not easy for any of us. My boobs, used to producing the most milk in the wee hours, filled up by 2am and and woke me up. I couldn't get comfortable and didn't want to pump because with the sleep training comes the long dreaded weaning process. My husband was up about every 45 minutes listening to little dude cry and then eventually fall back asleep after about 10 minutes. My daughter sleep quite well that night. I guess siblings can tune each other out no matter what the decibel level. When I arrived home at 7:00am everyone was at the breakfast table. My daughter greeted me with, "Mommy, I peed on the potty!" She took me over to her fourth potty, the Musical Throne, and showed me her pee. This was huge because although she has made number two several times now on the potty, she has refused to go number one there.

I was dreading the next night, since I would be home for night two. My son went to bed around 6:30pm and woke up crying around midnight. Then, after only about a minute he was quite again. And that was it. He didn't wake up again until 6:30am. Night three, he was down at 7:00pm and up at 7:00am. Now here we are, almost two weeks later and he is still sleeping through the night. He even cut two new teeth last week and didn't wake up. I cannot believe how easy this was. And my boobs are fine now, too. That only took a couple of nights and now I am down to nursing him three times a day.

The first week I was still waking up every few hours. My sleep pattern needed to be rewired, too. I sleep pretty well now and I feel like a different person. I still feel tired at times, but I have the kind of energy and clarity of mind that I have not had for over a year. I think most of my post partum blues were a result of not sleeping. My immune system was shot from it and my sex drive was non existent.

So, all you Mommies out there, hear this: let your baby cry it out and learn to sleep on his own. Do not fall asleep with them, Do not share a bed with them, Do not nurse them to sleep. Put them to sleep at the same time every night, sleepy but awake, and walk away! Your quality of life will be so much better. I don't feel this strongly about much, but this has really made a difference in my life.

her favorite story

2005-11-21T19:41:00.000-08:00

We got the DVD of the Wizard of Oz last weekend and sat on the couch to view it with our barely three year old daughter. She loves Willy Wonka, The Incredibles and Alice in Wonderland so we thought she might be ready for Oz. She loves the soundtrack to Wicked, too, so she already has a working knowledge of the Emerald City and the good and bad witch. I was still a little nervous because I remember being freaked out by the flying monkeys and the wicked witches henchmen. Not only did she sit through the entire film, she asked to see it again once it was over. We let her see the next day, and again the next day before bed. She loves the monkeys. Today she asked me to be Dorothy and she was the flying monkey. She kept flying to me and taking away "Toto", which was in actuality a pink piggy flashlight. After circling the couch with him she would deliver him back into my arms, only to take him away again on her next circling. But that isn't the cutest part, that would be how she sings the soundtrack already. She sings "We're off to see the Wizard," "If I were King of the Forest," "Somewhere over the Rainbow." The best line she sings by far is this one: "If I only had a brain, a heart, a home, da nerve." See sings that one perfectly on key and with the strange New York accent that the cowardly lion has. She has begged my for a Dorothy costume complete with Ruby slippers, refers to me as the Tinman throughout the day and always wants the story told to her at bed time with the lights out. She has even cast our entire family in the hopes that we will all get together and reenact it with her. Here are the various roles:

her: Dorothy
me: Tinman
her baby brother: Toto
aunt mai mai: the lion
her daddy: the scarecrow
her grandpa: the wizard
her aunt mimi: the good witch
her uncle darrin and her grandma share the role of: the wicked witch

on a side note... i am feeling much beter. thank god for antibiotics and some quality time with my man.

best saturday ever

2005-11-19T15:56:00.000-08:00

the children on a happier day

He had his one year check-up today. We also took his sister in for her three year check-up. It was chaos. He did pretty well considering we had to wake him up from a deep sleep to be prodded and poked with needles. She, on the other hand, behaved like she was undergoing some form of torture. Screaming and crying the whole time. She was even afraid of the scale. She wouldn't stand up to be measured, so we had to stretch her out on the examining table to measure her like they do babies. That was the easy part. Then she had to have a bag stuck on to her vagina with adhesive in hopes of getting a urine sample because she still refuses to go on the potty. She screamed "I don't want a sticker on my vagina! It hurts, Mommy, take it off!" She was holding me so hard and trembling. Then the shots came... then the blood test. By the time we were in the lab, the girl was all blotchy in the face and I thought she might pass out. She didn't have much fight left in her. As the technician looked her arms over for veins, she whimpered that she wanted to go to the dinosaur museum, and get some icecream for her arm to make it feel better. And yes, she did mention again that she wanted the sticker off. The man said she didn't have good veins and decided to poke her finger and squeeze blood out into a tiny tube. This was a very slow and probably painful process. The sticker was then removed, sans urine and we got the kids dressed again. After being there for an hour and a half it was finally over. We strapped them into the car and she passed out within five minutes.

Here are the stats:

He is 26.3 pounds and 31.5 inches. He is in the 95th percentile for height and weight.

She is 32 pounds and 39.5 inches. She is in the 90th percentile for height and 50th for weight.

Oh, and yes, I am still sick. I have had a sinus infection for 10 days. I am as low as I can be physically and emotionally.

Happy Saturday!

cookies and milk

2005-11-06T20:01:00.000-08:00

cute photo that has nothing to do with this post

I saw a friend today that I hadn't seen in months. I think it's been months. It could be many months, or maybe two. The Mommy time warp is difficult to break out of. People come in and out of your life as blips that very temporarily interrupt the daily routine. I get very caught up in this routine. I know that the kids need it. Straying from it for too long has dire consequences... like tantrums, screaming baby meltdowns and illness brought on by fatigue and nutrientless meals. I realized today that I do it as much for me as I do it for them. I still go to the Memorial Park for "nap rides" at least 4 times a week. I look forward to the quiet and my only opportunity to shut my own eyes during the daylight hours.

So, back to my friend. She has a son who is older than mine, but younger than my daughter. She works and her husband stays home with him during the day. We met up at a kid's bookstore that was having a charity event. I arrived with my Mother in Law and the place was packed. My son started screaming from his stroller right away and my daughter would not let go of my hand. I had to release my son from his bindings so he could practice his newly discovered walking skills, while holding my daughter's hand and listening to them both shriek in different octaves. I had showered that morning, but that was the extent of my grooming for the day. My hair is long because I keep forgetting to make an appointment to get it cut. My clothes are ill fitting, but comfortable. Today featured black velour style sweats and a maroon long sleeve T. My shoes are black sneakers that I bought at Shoe pavilion at the turn of the millennium. And, of course, no make-up was on my face. Not even lip gloss, which I meant to put on simply because my lips are so damn dry. I usually don't put much thought into my appearance. There isn't any time for it most days. I am only concerned with my kids looking put together and clean.

So, in walks my friend. She looks gorgeous. I mean, stunning. It's a Sunday morning and she is put together like she has a stylist at home. Cute knee-length jeans with the perfect high brown boot. I crisp white button down shirt with a fitted dark grey sweater over it. She has even managed to accesorize with a chunky green bead necklace and orange purse. Her hair recently dyed a dark brown that makes her light green eyes look even more dramatic. Fresh faced and rested, with her son on her hip. I attribute some of this to the fact that she has a fabulous career. Yes, she works hard, but she works "out there" in the adult world. She seems to have a strong sense of herself. That is something that has been slipping away from me, especially over that last year. Everything I do, say or think is in some way related to caring for at least three other human beings. I don't have any idea what is in fashion right now, what movies are playing in the theaters, what people are talking about around their office water coolers. And I have been unaware at just how out of touch I am until today. Seeing my working mom friend brought me face to face with my isolation in a way that I never expected. I love spending this time with my kids, but today the grass on the other side was a brilliant shade of green.

first list about mom

2005-10-15T10:58:00.001-07:00

I tried to remember what my mother liked. I wanted to think of something positive about her. But all I could remember were the things she didn't like. She did not like:

love stories
purple
fish
perfume
birds
my father
my father's wife
shopping
being sober
cleaning
exercise
flying
elevators
most men

Okay, now I feel like I have to come up with a few things she did like. Here goes:

horror movies
sugar
cigarettes
coffee
sleeping with the television on
Judge Judy
baking
my sister and I as children
writing about stuff
red meat
weed
prescription drugs
cats
her granddaughter

How about that? I managed to come up with 14 of each.

quick update

2005-10-14T19:26:00.000-07:00

one of the only times he looked small

Happy New Year to all my Jewish friends. A good Fall season to my non-Jewish friends. And a Happy Halloween to all my pagan friends. My home has been bustling with activity over the past few weeks. Lots of Holiday meals were consumed. Some fasting went on... by my husband, I am still carrying my "get out of fasting free" card. Still nursing, so I did partake of some water and a little food on Yom Kippur. Last year I was pregnant, the year before nursing my daughter, and the year before that I was pregnant. This new year I hope to be a little more organized and better rested.

two phone calls

2005-09-29T17:25:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with my Mother-In-Law and my father the same afternoon. My Mother-In-Law and I were talking about Motherhood. She was telling me what a great Mother I was. How patient, how loving. How proud of me she was. I took the compliments, but had to counter with. "...but I wish I could do better." She didn't know what I could possibly do better. "I could keep a cleaner house," I told her. Everything I pick up from the floor is replaced with two more things dropped by the kids. Toys, clothes, food everywhere. How do Barbie's clothes end up in the toilet? It is crazy the amount of mess two children under the age of three can create. She told me not too worry. "The cleaning can wait, your children cannot. They are only this tiny for so long. Enjoy them" I knew she was right and it made me feel really good about staying home with them everyday. I am lucky to be there to hear their first words, see them take their first steps, sing their first song. Mom's kind words were nice to hear, but I still felt a bit like I was undeserving of such high praise.

Then my Father called. We started talking about a family friend who was pregnant with her second baby. "It looks like she is doing what you did. Her kids will also be two years apart," he said. Then he asked me if I was planning on having any more. "I think we are going to stop at two," I answered. Without skipping a beat he said, "Yay!" with unabashed glee. "Yay?" I asked. "That is a strange reaction, Dad" He paused. "Ahh... I mean three would be so hard on you. You are already having such a hard time." Hard time? Well, yes, sometimes it is hard. Yes, I have been tired for three years. Yes, I have given up the spontaneity that a childless existence provides. But I have gained so much more than I have given up. How could he not see that. He is a parent, afterall. And I think I am doing a pretty damn good job at this motherhood thing.

While talking to my Mother-In-Law I had doubted my ability. While talking to my Father I felt absolutely certain that Motherhood was my calling. Why not have three kids? Or four for that matter. My husband and I turn out some pretty good looking kids. Well, because that would be four educations to pay for, several more years of sleepless nights, and having to go through pregnancy again... and again. So, Mom is right. I am a good Mother. And, as much as it hurt to hear, my Father is right. Two children is perfect,... for me.

fever

2005-09-22T10:25:00.000-07:00

He has had a fever for two days. It goes up and down from 101 to 102.5. I am using an ear thermometer, which my friend Gavi just informed me reads one degree higher than it is. That is some comfort. He is ten months old now and hasn't been sick yet. I have never seen him in pain. Cranky, yes, but in writhing pain, no. Not until now. His four top front teeth are coming in. I can now see the little holes in his gums that the jagged edges of the front teeth have created. He moans, throws himself in my lap and struggles to find a comfortable position. Apparently, there isn't one. This morning he crawled into my lap and fell asleep against my chest, exhausted. He is asleep in his crib now, and has been for an hour and a half.

I don't remember my daughter going through this, but my husband tells me she did. I guess I have blocked it from my memory, like the pain of childbirth. I feel helpless and just have to trust that he will be his joyful self soon. I invite any mothers to leave me some advice on this. I am off to stare at him and wish the pain away.

i wanna be more like her

2005-09-09T20:21:00.000-07:00

After watching the news every night since hurricane Katrina hit and feeling helpless, we finally went through our closets and packed up several boxes of stuff to donate. We took it to a woman's house who has a Mommy group that decided to send an email around to other moms encouraging them to send children's clothes to the smallest victims of this tragedy. It is rough watching the suffering of these people, but as a mother, it is more than I can take when I see a naked, dehydrated baby who won't wake up in his mother's arms. I went through my kids clothes and toy boxes and even found two boxes of maternity clothes up on a shelf to donate. This was hard for me because I am a pack rat. Having grown up with very litte I tend to hang onto the silliest stuff. Clothes that are outdated, stained, don't fit... because I might need them as a costume in a show that has yet to be written or my kids might want to play dress up in them. But if there is one thing that would force me to come to terms with years of hording, this is it.

Lastly, I opened my daughter's toy chest. It is filled with stuffed animals that she has never named, cuddled, or even acknowledged. Fearing that she might share my fear of letting go of material objects, I tried to bag these up in secret. As I was putting the plushy pink puppy into the bag my daughter came in and asked what I was doing.

"Well," I paused. Do I tell her the truth? And how much truth can an almost 3 year old handle? "I am going to give some of your toys to boys and girls who don't have any toys."

"They don't have any toys?" she asked with genuine concern.

"No, sweetie, they don't. And they don't have any clothes either, so I am going to give them some of your old clothes."

"Some of my clothes?" She looked at me with her eyebrows down. I couldn't tell if she was disaproving, or confused.

"You see... ahh" here we go, "there was a big storm, and lots of boys and girls lost there homes. The storm blew them away and that's why they need clothes and toys. Do you want to give them some of yours?"

She nodded yes, and I put the puppy in the bag. She then did something that brought real tears to my eyes. She walked over to her bed, picked up her beloved piglet she has had since birth and handed it to me.

"The boys and girls can have Piglet. They're gonna love it!"

"That is so sweet of you to want to give that to the boys and girls." I said, choking back the tears.

"And I want to build a new house for them, too, Mommy. They don't have a house and they need me to build them one."

"That's right, honey. They do need a new house."

I finished packing up the bag with toys I thought she wouldn't miss and she didn't flinch. Maybe she does get it. It's simple, they need something, we have it to give.

After she went to bed, I finished off my closet and tried to be more like her. I gave things I never thought I would part with and I didn't look back. As for Piglet, he is back on her bed tonight with his pals from the Hundred Acre Wood, watching her dream.

naptime

2005-09-02T21:50:00.000-07:00

When the afternoon shadows fall my kids start to run out of gas. About 2pm they get clumsy, cranky and unwilling to nap on their own accord. I have found a sure fire way to get them the sleep they need in the middle of the day. I strap them in their car seats, put on NPR at a low volume and drive to Forest Lawn Memorial Park. It is the perfect place to go because the speed limit is 20 miles an hour, with few stops, and there are gorgeous green lawns dotted with large lush trees. My kids are lulled instantly as we enter the huge iron gates. I watch the shadows from the leafed branches roll across their faces through my rear view mirror as they gaze out the tinted van windows. My daughter stops singing, my son coos softly to himself. I drive slowly through the small neighborhoods of the park, each with it's own name printed discreetly on the curb. Names like, Whispering Pines, Vale of Memory and Slumberland. After they have been asleep for at least ten minutes, I look for a shady spot and pull the car over. I leave the engine on so that the temperature doesn't rise inside and I put my seat back. Then I get out my book. That's right, I AM READING A BOOK! David Sedaris "Dress Them in corduroy and Denim." I read until one of them starts stirring, usually my son, and then I slowly make my way towards the exit and go home.

Yesterday, I even crawled into the empty back row of the van and fell asleep myself. I locked the doors, but wasn't really worried about someone approaching the car at a cemetery. I slept for about a half an hour and woke up feeling great. Naps for me have been very hard to come by since my son was born.

Today I parked on the left side of the road and looked straight down from my driver's seat to see a grave marker right below me. Louisa Pasquailia 1893 to 1954. I just stared at it. Usually I look slightly above ground and don't think about the thousands of bodies underneath the beautifully manicured lawns. But today, with all the news of death and suffering being discussed on NPR in the Gulf Coast, I had to face it. Maybe it's my love of the HBO show Six Feet Under that has kept me from being creeped out in this place. As I see it, it's just a great place to take a nap.

the week that changed everything

2005-08-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

It has been so long since my last post that I can't think of one thing to blog about tonight. The one thing I do want to say is that I am really excited. So much good stuff to report. I'll run down the list for you:

1. The herpetic whitlow attack is over. Her thumb is back to its normal state. The blisters grew but never changed color. They popped on their own and are scabbed up. Hip Hip Hooray! I didn't have to bust out the needle and get viral juices on my hands.

2. The vacation went well. The kids had a great time. I had a great time. The rest of the family had a great time. Everyone helped out with the kids and I got to do lots of stuff like: go out to dinner without feeding a baby on my right and trying to keep my daughter from running around the restaurant on my left, waverunning with my husband at the incredible speed of 25 miles per hour and having a full body massage and steam room party with my sisters and stepmom.

3. I spent 15 hours away from the kids! That's right, and entire day out in the world doing what I love most. I acted in a short film until 6pm and then drove over the hill to bang. Improv Studio
to teach an improv class to a brand new group of students.

4. I drove the kids out to Ventura today, by myself, to spend the day with a friend of mine and her family. They live on the East Coast and come out once a year. It went well. The kids had a great time. I had a great time. And the best part... they fell asleep in the car on the way home around 5:30pm and haven't woken up! I put them in their beds and they are still asleep now at 10:00pm. I had the evening to myself to watch the series finale of Six Feet Under that had been waiting patiently for me on my Tivo.

5. I had a "ladies night out" with the Mommies from school last night. Great Mexican food was had by all. The gals had a good time. I had a good time. I even got dressed up.

6. I have a bridal shower to go to tomorrow in Malibu for a dear friend of mine. That's right, another day away from the kids with quality time with the ladies and some good eats.

Reading this over I see why I am so very excited. The past week has been perhaps the best week since my son was born. I feel like myself again. Not part of myself, my whole self. And I am a much better Mother today because I had that week. I think I was able to take the kids on such a big trip today without anxiety because I was able to reconnect with the world in such a huge way over the past 7 days. Not only did I get out of my house, I lived in the world. I remembered what I was good at and I spent quality time with other adults that I care deeply about. So, all you Mommies that feel like you have forgotten who you are, get out of your house... by yourself, and touch the world again.

it's back

2005-08-18T22:27:00.000-07:00

the first outbreak - march 2004

I am horrified to report that my daughter's thumb is starting to swell up again with viral blisters. This is a strange condition called herpetic whitlow. The first time she got it was a year and a half ago, when she was 17 months old. She had a terrible virus the week before and she was teething. A bad combination. She had been chewing on her thumb and the virus got in there. She had cold sores on in the corner of her mouth before, but now she had cold sores on her thumb. The blisters turned black and had to be punctured and expressed at the pediatritian's office. This was followed by a treatment of antiviral and antibiotic topical creams. It took weeks for it to clear up completely, and when it did we never expected it to return.

My daughter had a viral infection over a week ago. Not a bad one. She had a fever one day of 100 degrees and mild intestinal issues for a couple of days and she was a little craby. Then, when all her symptoms were gone I noticed a cluster of blisters on her thumb. The same thumb. In the same two spots. She said it didn't hurt. I ran and grabbed the creams from last year and loaded it on. I called the pediatrition who said that was all I needed to do at this point. It wouldn't need to be "popped" unless it got infected. I am freaking out here. I mean, just look at that photo of how bad it got last time. And, how can it not hurt? Oh, and did I mention we are going on vacation Saturday?

arabesque

2005-08-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

ah, summer... my kids have been having a good one. Today was the last day of summer camp for my daughter. Jay went back to Atlanta last week. No more cousins will be visiting until the next holiday break. I feel the heat wave beginning to break and with the lowering mercury comes the ever so slight shift in seasons here in California. My kids have grown up a lot since the summer began. My daughter can now sing just about any song she has heard more than once, my son is eating solid food cut into tiny pieces. No more jars of baby food. He only wants what he can shove into his mouth with his meaty little fists. My daughter is not tantruming as much. And when she does she says, "you made me cry, and now I feel better... Let's play toys." My son starting crawling at the beginning of the summer and now he is pulling himself up to standing and walking along the edge of the couch. He has also taken to climbing the stairs in under 5 seconds. My kids are both tan, with blond streaked hair. We still have Vacation Village in San Diego next week with the family. One last hurrah before my husband dives deep into working the fall schedule. The televisions shows are ramping up and he will be warming up TV taping audiences from Warner Brothers to Paramount by night, and directing ADR sessions in a windowless recording studio by day. My daughter will start nursery school, gone 5 days a week until noon. My son will start walking and talking and I... I'll be trying to keep up with the only thing that is certain in life,... change.

need a pick-me-up?

2005-08-05T22:24:00.000-07:00

(see number three below)

This is mainly for you Mommies out there who, like me, have very little time for yourself. Although, readers sans progeny can try these as well. During the course of the day I look for ways to jumpstart my system. I get tiny bursts of energy that help me stay on top of the mess, care for my kids, cook all the meals, drive around in the hot, etc. But, these are TINY bursts. Here are some things I do to recharge my battery that take under 5 minutes. I have found that these things not only keep me alert, they make me happy, too.

1. Eat anything containing chocolate.

2. Use MILK AND HONEY SUGAR SCRUB in the shower. It smells like cookies and makes my skin feel like silk. Thanks again Messers for the gift that keeps on giving.

3. Laugh with your children.

4. Remember your favorite vacation. Ah, Saint Martin... sandy beaches... cool blue water... pina coladas...

5. Read someone's latest blog entry. I enjoy Cranky Mommy. She writes them short and sweet, with a hint of sarcasm and keen observations. (see my sidebar for the link)

If anybody out there has more to add I would love to try something new. Please comment here and tell me what you do to get through the day with a smile on your face.

dress up or rehearsal?

2005-08-02T22:18:00.000-07:00

They are tattered and stained, but she doesn't seem to notice. Sometimes I put them over her clothes and other times she wears them with only her princess pull-up underneath. Some days she'll be Snow White from morning til bedtime, and other days she'll be Cinderella for breakfast, Sleeping Beauty at lunch, Barbie Ballerina to the store and Fairy Princess on the patio. Dress up is not just a game at our house, it's a way of life. Being the daughter of two performing artists (that's how the IRS catagorizes our profession) it isn't surprising. I just didn't think it would start this early. We have a scene we like to do together. It's a Charlie and Lola sketch from the episode titled, "Boo, I Made You Jump." I am Charlie and she is Lola. It goes a little something like this:

We are seated on the couch. Lola mimes eating banana chips.
Charlie: (with an English accent) I have this little sister Lola, she is very small and very funny.
pause
Charlie turns to Lola: Boo!
Lola thows her banana chips in the air and screams

This makes us both laugh and we enjoy performing it for various friends and family members. She also enjoys singing the entire soundtrack to Pooh's Heffalump Movie while running around the couch. She stood on top of her Dora Legos box today and told me she was on stage and ready to do a show for me. I applauded, she stood still and stared back at me smiling. Then she got off of her stage. That was the show. And yet, when the video camera turns on she loses her muse. Perhaps she is meant for the theater and not television and film. We'll see. For now, I am just happy to have a regular scene partner.

here comes the sun

2005-07-30T10:58:00.000-07:00

It's amazing what a new pair of sandals can do for your spirit. I have problem feet. Specifically, I have bunions that have been growing slowly since my adolescence. This prohibits me from buying and enjoying "sexy" shoes. Sexy shoes equal pain and an inability to walk normally. So, I wear Birkenstocks in the summer and comfy sneaks in the winter, with the occasional low heeled wide dress shoe for special occasions and shul. Last week my husband took our daughter to the circus and I was left with my son to have a one-on-one day. Hmm, where to go?... The mall! I can't shop with my daughter in tow because she has no patience and only wants toy stores or icecream. Little dude and I set out for the mall with no expectations. We hit Robinsons May first because they were having a sale. I got some things for the family, including a suit for myself. I need one for the High Holy Days that are in October, and since they had a $300 suit for 45 bucks I decided to get it now. Then we had lunch together at the Red Robin. I had a salad and a diet coke, he had a jar of pears and some wagon wheels. The conversation was delightful. The game of Peek-A-Boo a highlight. Then it was off to do more shopping. I didn't need anything in particular, but we had more time to kill. What's this? Aresoles is having a sale? They are the only shoe company that knows how to fit a buniony girl like me. I was immediately drawn to this pair of sandles with a tropical motif. So whimsical, low heeled, and reasonably priced. I tried them on and was struck by how the strap across the top seemed to cradle my bunions. The soft leather was like a bandage of support where other shoes were unkind and mocking. I bought them. And a pair of black pumps for special occasions and shul. I left the mall feeling lighter. The postpartum blues I have been battling for 8 months slipping away. Is shopping a valid treatment for postpartum depression? That is so cliche I didn't want to believe it. And yet, there I was, pushing a stroller stuffed with shopping bags, a bounce in my step and a genuine smile on my face. I thought the shopping glow would wear off once all the chaos of my daily routine starting up again. And it did,.. a little. But then I just slip on those shoes and feel a little bit sexy, a little bit extravagant, a little more me.

stuff she says

2005-07-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

In no particular order, some of the things she has said since aquiring the ability to speak:

The wind is so soft

The happy bear lives on our patio

I like my hair longer (which means she likes it down and in her face)

I need my pink blankie and my cold whoa whoa (cold water)

I want super, super cold whoa whoa

Mommy, I tell you a secret (then whispers in my ear) I... love... you...

Mommy, I cried and cried at camp Shelanu because I missed you so much

I had so much fun at camp, I played and played and played

Don't talk to each other Momma and Dadda, talk about me

Nang means yes and no means no

Tell me the story about Winnie the Pooh, and Piglet, and Eyeore, and Christopher Robin and Rabbit and Tigger and Pooh and they all go swimming.

Tell that story again, tell that story again!

I'm Charlie, Dadda, you be Grandpa Joe (from Willie Wonka)

Bring me a towel, my lunch, and eat it. thank you, my dear (something she says to her shadow while dancing with it)

when referring to her brother:

Look at him, he's so little and so cute

Come on lila boy, come to me

Get away from me

Stop touching my magic slippers (see photo above)

He's laughing at me (which means she made him laugh)

then and now

2005-07-22T19:07:00.000-07:00

I used to read National Geographic cover to cover each month.
Now I read Parents cover to cover each month.

I used to go out to dinner with my husband when I didn't feel like cooking.
Now we order Chinese food and have it deliverd at 5:15pm.

I used to do yoga for exercise.
Now I lift a 22.4 pound living weight for exercise.

I used to work full time.
Now I really work full time.

I used to get romantic with my husband at any time of the day.
Now we have to schedule our "private time" days in advance.

I used to audition for parts in televison shows and commercials for strangers who usually found someone else for the part.
Now I create my own shows in the comfort of my livingroom for 2 young audience members who think I am the most talented actress in town.

I used to wonder what my future would hold.
Now I see it staring back at me in two sets of blue eyes.

Confessions

2005-07-19T19:22:00.000-07:00

"horsey cake" I ate most of by myself

It was only a matter of time before I would be compelled to confess a few things on this blog. I am about to reveal some things I haven't even told my husband... yet.

First, having two children has forced me to use my time in more creative ways. This goes way beyond the usual definiton of multitasking. Case in point: today I sat on the toilet, with the door open so I could hear the kids, clipped coupons while leaving a message on my sister's work voicemail.

Second, I have become a compulsive eater. I get hit so hard with fatigue during the day that I look for food to wake me up and keep me going. Usually I'll grab whatever chocolate is in the house. Fists full of M&M's, cookies, and today: the chocolate cupcake topped with plastic Winnie the Pooh and Piglet that I got my daughter at Jerry's Deli. She picked the sprinkles off and then told me she didn't want anymore. Instead of saving it for her for tomorrow I shoveled it into my mouth, barely breathing between bites. AND, I wasn't even hungry.

And the last thing I am going to confess tonight is that I sometimes forget to brush my teeth. I neglect myself on a daily basis now that I am a mother of two. Sometimes in small ways, and sometimes in big ways. The most common way? Forgetting to pick up my toothbrush and run it across my teeth and gums in the morning. I don't really understand this one. I find time to shower ALMOST every day, but somehow, that extra two minutes to brush my teeth is not allowed me during the course of the day. As I type this, I have sweaters on my teeth... the icecream, peanutbutter chocolate chip cookie and chocolate cupcake have taken their toll. Gross. I must brush... now! Maybe then I won't eat anymore today.

she got her pa-piano

2005-07-15T10:21:00.000-07:00

At the dinner table last night my daughter looked like she needed "to go." She gets a certain expression on her face that usually precedes a doody filled pull-up diaper. Only last night, she wasn't wearing a diaper. She has been pulling them off at home and seeing how long she can go before I force one back on her.

So, I say to her, "Do you want to sit on the potty and try to make a doody?"

She thought about it for a few moments and said something she has never said before, "Yes, I have to make a doo doo."

I didn't want to act too excited about her willingness to sit on her Dora the Explorer Potty seat. I casually got up from the table and walked her into the bathroom. She climbed up and asked me to read her some stories. We read DW'S LOST BLANKIE and HAROLD AND THE PURPLE CRAYON, which were the only two books in the bathroom. Then she asked me to tell her a Willie Wonka story. Yes, her new obsession is Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I start to tell her about the 5 golden tickets, Charlie and Granpa Joe, and then my son starts to wail. I had left him in the highchair. Cousin Sammy was staying with us and she was trying to calm him down, but it was way past his bathtime -- little dude likes to stick to his schedule. I asked Sammy to take over for me with the storytelling and I took my son upstairs for a quick bath. I expected to find my daughter off of the potty when I was done, but to my surprise she was still perched atop Dora and friends. Only now she was asking for a diaper to "go" in... and her pink blankie... and her "cold whoa whoa" (sippy cup of water). I handed little dude off to Sammy and rushed in my daughter's comfort objects, but no diaper. I sat down beside her and she started to cry. I looked her in the eyes and asked, "Are you a little scared?"

She stopped crying and said, "Yes, Mommy, I'm scared."

"I know it's scary, sweetheart. But that is only because it's the first time. All big girls go on the potty. And you're a big girl. I know you can do it."

And then Sammy added, "Cinderella and Snow White go on the potty."

My daughter's face lit up. "And Winnie the Pooh, and Piglet and Eyeore, they all go on the potty, too!" She exclaimed.

My son started to laugh and crawl into the bathroom. "Look at him, Mama, he's so cute," she said with a big smile.

And then she started to shake. She grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes with fear rushing through her tiny body again.

"It's okay, it's going to be over real soon. You can do it," I said firmly.

"Tell more Willie Wonka Mommy," she begged, still shaking.

I started to sing, "I've got a Golden Ticket, I've got a Golden Chance to make my way, And with a Golden Ticket it's a golden day..."

She let go of my hand and took hold of the edge of my shirt instead. And then,... curplunk. She looked at me with wide eyes. "I did it! I made a big splash in the potty!"

My eyes filled up with tears of joy, my niece Sammy looked on with pride and my son sat on the bathroom floor giggling.

"I can get a pa-piano now!"

"Yes you can, Sweetie, yes you can."

We had been promising her a little toy piano as an incentive to go doody on the potty. I bought a purple one and KB Toy and Hobbie about 5 weeks ago. I ran upstairs and pulled it from the closet.

"Open it, Mama, open it!" We ripped it open on the staircase and she pounded out a few original compositions. She was so proud of herself. It may not happen again for a while, but it happened. It finally happened.

It was indeed "A golden day."

my gentle giant

2005-07-11T21:44:00.000-07:00

I took my son in for his 8 month check-up this morning. The first thing the doctor said when he walked in was, "Wow, he's huge!" After reading over his stats - 23.4 pounds, 30 1/4 inches - he declared, "He's not fat. His weight and height are in proportion to each other. He's just a big boy." He took another look at my son and asked, "What size clothing is he wearing?" "18 months," I answered with a mixure of pride and aprehension. "Good God, he IS huge. You'll have to write on his one year birthday party invitations that he wears a 2T." We both chuckled. I was still a little nervous. "How tall do you think he'll be?" I was hoping the doctor wouldn't give me a freakish measurement for an answer. "Well, we usually make an estimate on that when they are around two years old, but you can be pretty sure he'll be taller that his Dad." His Dad is 6'2".

The doctor also told me that he is not surprised that my son isn't sleeping through the night. He grew 3 inches and gained 3 pounds in 2 months. That rate of growth requires a high daily caloric intake. I can expect to continue the night feedings for a while. I have been advised to move to stage 2 solids like meat, yogurt, and cheerios. Once he starts eating those he may fill up better and stop waking up the milk factory at 2:30am.

Today was also a turning point for my gentle giant. He starting crawling on his hands and knees this morning. And, he fell asleep on his own 2 minutes after I put him in his crib at 6:50pm. This is the third time this week he has fallen asleep without a boob in his mouth. Progress. I am happy and a little sad. My baby is growing up.

strange goings on

2005-07-08T22:01:00.000-07:00

I don't know if there is something about the summertime that makes kids go nutty, but I have to blame my daughter's strange behavior on something (because is certainly couldn't have anything to do with me). Her brother is amused by her antics and the wilder she gets the giddier he becomes. It's cute, and also a bit trying. Here is what she has been up to:

1. Refusing to wear clothes and her pull-up diaper. She tells me she likes to be naked and I explain that she can be naked in the house, but she has to wear her pull-up OR go pee pee on the potty. She doesn't like either option so I end up spending a good chunk of my day chasing her nakedness around the house with a princess pull-up while threatening her with the "naughty chair." Thank you Supper Nanny for that one.

2. She has starting yelling the word NUTS for no apparent reason. And I mean yelling it. It sounds as if it is the punch line to a joke, but she never gives us the set-up. Maybe something like this: A man walks into a bar mumbling to the bartender. The bartender asks him if he would like a beer. The man keeps mumbling and points to the counter. "I'm sorry" the bartender replies, "but I can't understand you. Do you want a drink?" The man shakes his head no and points to his stomach. "Oh, you're hungry? Well, we don't serve meals here, sir. Can I get you a drink?" The man shakes his head no and points frantically to his belly. "I can't get you any food, sir, this is a bar," says the bartender. The man grabs an empty bowl from the counter and yells... "NUTS?!"

3. She has put a ban on napping in the house. She doesn't even like it when her brother does it. I used to take her for a drive when she got really tired and she would be asleep in her carseat within five minutes. Now that there is DVD player in the new car she won't go nonny in it. I have resorted to telling her that it is broken and that I'll fix it when we get home from our drive. That one actually worked today. But she'll be on to me soon enough.

I know there are more that my tired mind can't recall and I am sure there are more to come. For now, I am trying to be more amused than annoyed, just like her brother.

I'm a little icecream mouth

2005-07-05T20:39:00.000-07:00

Today was a pretty good mommy day. I was still tired, still in desperate need of some "me time", and still didn't get to check anything off of my to do list. What made today different was my attitude. I didn't attempt to rest - that always leads to frustrtation because I am not able to rest. I didn't try to do any adult activities while the kids were up - like go through the mail or clean the kitchen, I didn't even make an elaborate dinner - fish stick and frozen peas were just a microwave button away. What I did do was induldge my kids all day long. "You want icecream after camp? Lets go... It's hot, let's put you in the kiddie pool. You want to see Cinderella while wearing your Cinderella dress, shoes and crown? oh, and you want me to sit next to you while you whatch it? No problem. What's that little boy? You want to be held ALL DAY? Okay. Let's do it." Cuz let's face it, I don't have anywhere else I have to be. What do I need to rush through the day for? And you know what? I laughed more. I really saw my kids. My beautiful, playful, happy kids.

If I had to pick a favorite moment of this day it would be sitting on my patio eating icecream cones and listening to my daughter sing a song. Not just any song, her first original song. With two improvisers for parents it was only a matter of time. She had vanilla icecream all around her mouth, so I told her she had "icecream mouth." This was the inspiration for the following song:

"I'm a little icecream mouth,
icecream mouth,
icecream mouth,
I'm a little icecream mouth,
Come and give me a kiss!"

you gotta have friends

2005-07-02T22:05:00.000-07:00

without friends, who would swing you?

There are two types of friends: those with children and those without. Those without are less forgiving when weeks, months and sometimes years go by without YOU calling THEM. Those without send you invations for dinner at 8 and tell you to please bring your kids. Those without rarely, if ever, offer to babysit. Those without don't understand why you don't "go out" anymore. And why you can't meet them for lunch on a moments notice.

Those with children don't expect you to be on time for things. Those with always have an extra diaper, change of clothes, jar of babyfood, snacks,... Those with can have a conversation with you above the wails and whines of babies and toddlers and not miss a beat. Those with can laugh when they are spit up on by your 7 month old.

It may seem that I have a preference here. Not true. It is simply easier to spend time with those friends with children. There is an understanding. A comradarie. We are both in the trenches and the survival tips we can share with each other are invaluable. I see my childless friends less often. Most of them have nine to fivers and thier weekends fill up fast with activities that aren't child-friendly.

I have a dear friend who had her first baby about 11 years ago. She was my first friend to have a child and I was very single at the time. Our relationship changed dramatically after her daughter was born. Being naive, I blamed her for that. I couldn't understand why we couldn't have the same friendship we had before. When my daughter was born I thought of her. I was different. And everything about my life was different from that moment on, my needs, my priorities, my friendships. The change is so profound that I can't put it into words. Those of you reading this with children know exactly what I mean. And those of you without children my be thinking that you know what I mean.

I have come to realize lately that I need friends. Those with and those without. It is so easy to spend every moment of my tending tending to the kids and every moment of my nights thinking about what else I should be doing for the kids. Along with "me" time, I also need friend time. All kinds of friends. Playland anyone?

5:59am

2005-06-27T21:31:00.000-07:00

So many things to blog about. It has been days since I had a chance to sit at my iMac and jot down my thoughts. Do I compose another list? Do I recount my day? Share with you the lastest new things my children have done? Or tell you why I haven't been able to blog at will? I'm pretty tired tonight, so here is what I have decided:

Why I haven't been able to blog at will: I am sleep deprived. I know, I already blogged about that a few weeks ago. But, just for the record... I am still sleep deprived. My son still likes to get his snuggle on at 11pm, 2am and sometime between 4 and 5am. God help us all if I can't get him back to sleep after the last one. If he wakes close to 5am I can be pretty sure he's up for the day. I try to convince him that his crib is a cool place to hang out until 6am, but he rarely makes it that far. He likes to do his vocal exercises as the sun comes up, which usually wakes up my daughter. At that point the kids are all in my room and I let my husband take over. They gently nudge him until he gets up and takes everyone downstairs for breakfast. At that point I sneak into my son's room and grab another hour of sleep on the twin bed. It is the best hour of sleep I get all night because Daddy is taking care of the babies and I know that no one will need me for that one precious hour.

Ahh, 5:59am.

first of many lists

2005-06-20T20:40:00.000-07:00

just a photo of how I spend most of my day

I have liked making lists for as long as I can remember. In fact, in my very first journal, a nine year old me made a list of what I liked to, and make lists was number one. So, here is the first list on my first blog:

things I wake up hoping to do every day, but never get around to doing

1. Read something other than an article in a Parenting magazine

2. Make a nutritious meal for myself and eat it slowly

3. Shop for something pretty for myself

4. Scrub down the shower in my bathroom

5. Convince my daughter to spend quality time on her potty

6. Call up a friend and see how they are doing

7. Take yoga class, or just stretch for a few minutes, or take a few cleansing breaths

8. Go to bed early

9. Decorate my son's room so it looks more like a nursery and less like a red room with a crib in it

10. Give my husband some good lovin'

Her first story

2005-06-16T23:09:00.000-07:00

My daughter has a rich imagination. She loves to play with her figurines, miniature dolls and plastic animals. And when they aren't around she plays with "Pee Pee" and "Pee Pee." Those are the names of her spiders, otherwise known as, her hands. Her fingers are very agile spider legs and the two "Pee Pees" have been running all over the furniture and walls of our townhouse. I love to see her in action when she is makin' stuff up.

The first story she made up on her own and told my husband and I was right around her second birthday and it goes like this: "One day, the little girl lived, and loved peanuts. Then a big bear came. She fell down. They lived happily ever after. The end." A few months later she added this: "One day, the little girl lived, and loved peanuts. Then a big bear came and took the peanuts. She fell down and had to get more at the store. They lived happily ever after. The end." I really like it when she tells this to the two "Pee Pees." They get a big kick out of it.

doody balls

2005-06-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

This is a photo of the spot where the "incident" took place.

My daughter has been asking to go to Grandpa's house to go swimming for several days now. With my husband at work all day and evening today, I gave Dad a call to see if he wanted some company. Yippee! He's home and we are set to meet for lunch and a swim. Lunch was great (grilled cheese sandwiches) and my daughter AND my 7 month old son had a great time in the pool. As we are all eating our drumstick icecream cones the phone rings. It's Grandma. She wants to see us (and the new car). We decide to stay for dinner. She arrives about 5pm and the kids are starting to get cranky from their fun day with no nap. We sit down to eat and my daughter eats all of her pasta wheels and sauce. We are all still eating when she jumps up from the table and annouces that she's done. Her brother is sitting in the play area (pictured above) chewing on a piece of the play mat. We begin to attempt having an adult conversation now that my daughter has stopped asking us to tell her the story of Goldie Locks and the Three Bears while she eats. Something catches my eye and I turn toward the play area to see that my daughter has pulled her skirt off and is starting to pull down her pull-ups. "Honey, we don't pull down our pull-ups in the..." Just then she pulls them down and kicks them toward her brother. I leap from the table and the whole thing seems to play out in slow motion. As her diaper is flying across the room, so are little brown balls of doody. Across the playmat, over her brother's head, under the coffee table. I grab a paper towel and go doody hunting. I am pretty sure I have all the smelly pellets and put them in a plastic bag. Then I put the diaper in the bag and reach for her skirt. As I lift it up a huge doody ball falls out of it with a thump. I screamed and reached back in the bag for the paper towel to pick it up with. I made my way back to the table to finish my meal. My parents didn't quite no what to say. My Dad took bite of his meatball and said, "That didn't ruin my appetite."

the new car

2005-06-09T19:43:00.000-07:00

While looking for a parking spot at my daughter's school today we counted 10 Honda Odessey mini vans. Ahh, we finally fit in. We have crossed over to the land of oversized cars. We are a family of four and have convinced ourselves that we simply must have more room while tooling around town. And we went for the model WITH the DVD player. Decadent. Although, I am sure it will be many months, possibly years before I can view any disc above a G rating. The DVD is becoming my daughter's crack. She'll do anything for it. Getting her to leave what ever fun she is having outside of the car for a fix is easy. It's getting her to get out of the car that has become the challenge. I usually have to agree to bring her disc inside the house so she can continue using. I know there are some mothers out there reading this and shaking their heads. And to them I pose this question: "when you were a kid, didn't you think it would be THE COOLEST THING EVER to have a TV in your car?"

it happened

2005-06-07T21:04:00.000-07:00

One of my worst fears has been realized. My daughter has lost her pink blankie, aka, her "lovey" or "transitional object". She has had this blanket since she was born and it was her favorite from early infancy. She chose it above all other blankies to be the one she would sleep with every night. And later, she chose it to be the thing to comfort her when she was at school, away from us. She asks for it when she is scared, confused, tired or any time she needs a little comforting. Today my husband took her to school, and as usual, pink blankie was in her backpack. When he picked her up he assumed it was still in her backpack. Tonight, when I was getting her ready for bed I couldn't find it. I called him at work and asked where it was. Silence. "A cold chill just ran through me," he said. "Tell me it's in her backpack." I told him it wasn't. Silence. "It must be at school," he said. Silence. We both knew what kind of night I was in for. I hung up and ran upstairs to my MAC. I had to find another one. Google search: pink baby blanket. Lots of sites. Scanned through them but nothing resembled the pink cotton, satin trimmed floral print blankie I needed. If only I had looked closer at the label on that thing. Why hadn't I done that months ago? I should have read the label and ordered at least one more and kept it in the closet so that when this day came I would be prepared. I felt like such a failure. I went back downstairs to my daughter who was whatching POOH'S HEPHALUMP movie for the third time today. I had to put it on to delay the inevitable. If I was lucky, she might even fall asleep whatching it and I could carry her up to her bed without her waking and wailing for her pink blankie. It was past her bedtime now. She was lying on the floor gazing at the television screen. "Hi Sweetie," I said with an overcompensating smile. She turned to me and said simply, "I want my cold water and my pink blankie." Here we go. Deep breath, "I'll get you your water, but I think you left your blankie at school today." Her eyebrows lowered. Silence. I walked up to the kitchen and brought her sippy cup down to her. "Let's go to bed and read stories," I said, as if nothing was wrong. "I want my pink blankie." Silence. "Sweetie, did you leave your blankie at school today?" She looked at me for a moment and answered, "Nang." (Nang is her word for yes) "Okay, then we'll have to go get it tomorrow." She nodded and then asked me to pick her up and make her fly like a bird to her bedroom. We told stories and listened to Princess Songs. Then I told her I had to clean up downstairs and that I would check on her later. She told me to sing WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK like Snow White does when she cleans. We both had a good laugh over that one and I told her I would. And that was it. She rolled over and went to sleep.

tantrum forces ballet shoe off left foot

2005-06-04T23:13:00.000-07:00

img1343Feb 2005
Originally uploaded by rangerrina.

UP LATE

2005-06-04T23:07:00.000-07:00

It's almost 11pm and I had the opportunity to go to bed about an hour ago. My six month old son will be up soon and who knows how long it will take to get him back to sleep. He has started teething and is back to waking up 2 to 3 times during the night. I have never been so exhausted in my life. During the day he is pretty good - naps well. But, my 2 1/2 year old daughter doesn't nap well. She might nap every other day. It could be any time during the day, anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours. And it NEVER sincs up with my son, so they are never asleep at the same time. Thus, I cannot nap. It hurts! I know I will sleep through the night again someday, but someday feels so so far off that it gives me no comfort. So, what do I do? Stay up late and "blog!" Damn you, Casey! You have set a curse upon me.

my boys

2005-06-04T23:03:00.000-07:00

img1502Jacob 6 months
Originally uploaded by rangerrina.

My husband and my son get along great. They make each other laugh. They share a love of me... and television. They both have blue eyes and great smiles. They love the camera and are both tall for their age. They also like to grab my hair occasionally.

UP LATE

2005-06-04T22:51:00.000-07:00

3 days before my son was born

2005-06-02T21:07:00.000-07:00

img0814jacob arrives 2004
Originally uploaded by rangerrina.

My Step Sister has come out as a closet blogger

2005-06-02T15:57:00.000-07:00

I didn't even know this world existed. She has been doing this for months, secretly. Well, not so secretly it turns out. She only kept it from her family. I saw a print out of one of her recent blog entries at our parents house. It was funny, well written and a little revealing. I love my sis, but she doesn't open up to me that often. I was excited to hear all about this online diary thingy she's been doing. I went home the next night and read through as much as I could before I had to force sleep upon myself. I'm hooked. I feel like I know her a little bit better now and look forward to reading more and more. Thanks Casey! I love you!!!